I Am Not Sick

I have been lounging on the sofa, not being sick, during my vacation.

I insist I am not sick because I am not going to be cheated of my days off. True, I have spent the last two days on the sofa, under my electric blanket, reading Edith Wharton and flipping through tv channels. That doesn’t mean I am sick.

I had glorious plans of doing nothing on vacation. Sleeping late, lunching with friends, browsing the junk/antique shops, and cooking good suppers…basically pretending to be a lady of leisure.

A fever and achy chest are not in anyone’s vacation plans- so therefore: I am not sick.

Now I am going to schlep into the kitchen for some orange juice and tylenol. That is what all the cool kids do on vacation.

Elbows

I tried on a dress in front of the mirror and turned every which way to get a look at myself. I was totally surprised by my elbows. This getting older thing has many surprises. I had no idea my elbows were going to look like they do.

I am fine with laugh lines and crow’s feet. I knew they were going to happen. I can deal with a slower metabolism, not happy about it, but I can deal with it. These are things you see happening around you and know are going to happen to you.

But seriously, the elbows? What is up with that?

2 Minutes til Dinner

In an effort to save money, I have been carrying my lunch to work. I have tried every frozen meal for one that the grocery store stocks. I have had some good meals and some bad meals; and have narrowed my choices down to about a dozen that have become staples of my work day diet. I don't have high expectations of gourmet delights from my frozen dinners; I am just looking for something edible to keep me from starving while I shut myself in my office for an hour and concentrate on school work in the middle of the workday.

Being the rule follower that I am I read the directions on how to microwave each dinner and carefully completed each step as described. Lift one corner to vent...microwave 3 minutes...lift plastic, stir, replace plastic...let sit for 1 minute. I have been a slave to those tiny printed directions.

A week or so ago our custodian came by while I was studying the side of the box and said "I find that 2 minutes on high will cook anything." I thought I would give it a try, and I have decided the man is a genius.

I can't believe how much of my life I have wasted waiting on the microwave.

Jack O'Lantern

This past summer Mister and I were riding down the road when we passed a yard sale. The largest plastic jack o’lantern I had ever seen was sitting on a table. I yelled “Turn around, turn around! I saw a blow mold!” Laughing, Mister made the first legal U-turn and pulled up to the yard sale.

This was one of those yard sales that people dream about. Lots of good junk spread out under the trees. Dog houses, lawn mowers, furniture, salon equipment, baskets, and a large supply of Halloween decorations. It was the jack-pot of yard sales. We spent a little over $20 and bought so much stuff we had to go home and get the truck.

The best buy that came from the yard sale was the giant jack o’lantern. I have shown him to everyone who has been to the house since we brought him home, and mentioned giant jack to many more. If I could have thought of a creative way to use a giant plug-in pumpkin in my 4th of July decorations I would have.

Finally, time to bring giant jack out into the open. There is something about colored lights and over the top decorations that thrills my soul.

Happy Halloween!

Homecoming Decroations

The college where I work is holding their first ever Homecoming.

The staff is working like crazy to get the place looking festive and collegiate. We have hung 45 records and a disco ball from the ceiling of the lobby, built a large display of gold mums in the courtyard, and bought every toy related to our theme that the dollar store carries.

Looking around at our decorations I don’t think that any of us that work here would fit in one of those “only white lights at Christmas” kind of neighborhoods.

The campus is brazenly beautiful.

Swimwear

This past Spring I bought a skirted bathing suit. A really cute skirted swimsuit, with shirring on the sides of the top that could be let down to just cover the bottoms. Not an old lady suit (I told myself), but definitely with more coverage than I usually wear. I am older, I weigh a little more than I used to, and I thought it was time to change my style of swimwear.

All summer I continued to wear my one-piece suits from previous years. I told myself it was because we were just at the lake; no one really cares what a person wears there. I told myself that I continued wearing my old suits because I didn’t want to get picks in the seat of my new suit from sitting on the dock.

We recently went to the beach and I packed my new (still unworn) skirted swimsuit. Mister had not even seen it. For some reason I was really embarrassed for him to see me in the skirted swimsuit. At the last minute I opened my suitcase and stuffed in one of my old swimsuits.

Navarre Beach was beautiful. Serene and with no crowds, it was just what we were looking for in a beach. I went up to the room to change into my swimsuit, and couldn’t put on the skirted suit. Seriously, I was having the kind of anxiety women get over being seen in public in a bikini. Turns out I am much more comfortable with my body than with covering my body.

Thirty years from now if you see an old fat lady at the beach wearing an inappropriately young swimsuit, just wave and tell me hello.

Fashion Advice

Our office is having Mix and Match day. The idea is to wear clothes that don’t match. For example: a blue winter shirt, linen pants, and sneakers.

I am going with all plaid. I put on a plaid shirt, plaid jacket, plaid scarf, plaid trousers, and to top it off- plaid shoes. I asked Mister how I looked, and he said “You can’t wear that. It matches.”

Laughing, I made a mental note to never take fashion advice from that man.

Real Smart

You know how when people are angry and call in they start talking before you are finished saying hello? I received one of those calls.

The caller said: “I want to know why ya’ll done put me in learning support. I know for a fact I am smart. People tell me so all the time.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, even while I recognized how sad this was.

Psychic GED Staff

One of my jobs at the college I work in is to track application files and turn them over to an admissions counselor once the student has submitted everything needed for admission. Because registration deadline is approaching, today I am calling all applicants that have outstanding items. Some students need to come in to take the placement exam, some students need to submit residency information, and some students need to submit high school transcripts. All pretty routine, the phone calls are just a reminder to the students to get their butts in gear.

I just got off of the phone with a student who is under the impression that the GED board is staffed by psychics. I informed the student that we are still awaiting his GED transcript before we can review his file for admission. The student stated that the transcripts should be here any day. I asked when he requested the transcripts.

The phone was silent for a second, and then the student stated: “Am I supposed to? Don’t they just know where I want to go?”

That’s right. The GED board is psychic and he is sending thought waves letting them know he needs his transcript.

Costumes

A friend and I went to see Phantom of the Opera Friday night. The costumes and staging were beautiful. In opera, people are dressed so that their personalities and characters are known by the audience the minute they step on stage. I have been thinking how convenient life would be if everyone would dress their part.

The long talker in the office would wear a plain white button front shirt - something easy to see peripherally so that you could duck down a side corridor before you got caught in a 15 minute conversation on blue versus green cars.

The woman who always puts food in her purse at all you can eat buffets would have pig ears and giant pearls, like Miss Piggy. When anyone with pig ears and giant pearls showed up to Ryan’s, they could meet them at the door and refuse service.

You would never be surprised that your neighbor is a perv because his Jack Nicholson eyebrows and burgandy smoking jacket would have clued you in to that fact.

I am just worried that I would be wearing a dunce cap.

Summer Cold

There are many ways to have a cold.

You can “take it like a man,” and “do what you have to do.” Don’t let a cold get the best of you. Go into work, insisting that you aren’t sick. Force your foggy head to retain and retrieve information that is relevant to your work life. You never really fool you co-workers that everything is as normal, and because you don’t want them to know you have a cold, your co-workers wonder if you are on something, mentioning to one another that you don’t seem yourself.

Another option is to wallow in pity, whining to everyone that you are sooo sick. Drag out of bed in the morning, complaining that you have to go in, no matter if you are sick. You barely dress appropriate for the office, and when you get there you lay your head on your desk, getting nothing done and being a nuisance to your co-workers.

My way of having a cold is to announce that I have a cold, take leave from work, and lounge around the house in an old nightie. I watch reruns of “Leave it to Beaver,” drink hot tea, and curl up to sleep with my dog and my favorite blanket.

I don’t know if my way of having a cold is the best, but I am sure that my co-workers appreciate the fact that I kept my cooties at home. Also, it is nice to see what that Eddie Haskell is up to.

A Bribe, For Me?

I am insulted. I am just not sure about what.

Our college holds open registration. That means that students may register themselves for classes during a 3 week period each term. We don't keep registration a secret. It is on our website, advisors mention it, and we have a banner we place on the front lawn.

Still, after registration closes students will come into our office wailing that they "have to get into that class!" Most of the time students try to play the pity card hoping it is the first time we have heard the excuse they are using and will break the rules and register them for the class they want.

Today a student tried a new approach. She offered me a bribe. Seriously! This student leaned over my desk and in a low-toned voice offered me $10 to get her in the class she needed.

I don't know whether to be insulted that she thought I could be bribed, or insulted that she thought I could be bought so cheap.

Idle

We spent a Work Free Holiday on the river. It was great; we drank daiquiris while floating on inner tubes, listened to live music while eating burgers at the marina, and slept on the dock.

Something about doing nothing while other people are at work made it even more enjoyable. We mentioned this often to one another.

Me at 1AM: “Want to play another round of Yahtzee?” Mister: “Why not? We don’t have to get up and go to work in the morning.”

Mister at 11AM: “Making a batch of daiquiris?” Me: “Of course, we aren’t at work.”

Now that we are back to our everyday work routine, I think our life is missing idleness. We know how to be idle, just not how to work it into an average day. The state has pretty firm ideas about when I arrive everyday- so that lets out sleeping in. The state is also inflexible about the length of my break- so no 3 martini lunches. I can’t spend the afternoon at the dog track because the state doesn’t release me until 7PM. And have I mentioned how the mortgage company feels about the monthly payments? Mister can’t not go to work and us keep our house.

Maybe we need an idleness revolution. A hammock in the front yard would be a sign of support. Lying in the hammock at 9AM Monday morning would be an act of heroism

Seriously?!

A student just drooled on my desk!!!

This chick was so f***-up she had a slobber string from her mouth to my desktop!

Seriously- I should be getting hazard pay.

Space Invaders

I understand not everyone has the same concept of “personal space.” In some cultures people stand inches apart while speaking to one another. In other cultures a car isn’t considered full until there are at least 4 people in the backseat. But for the most part, here in Georgia, we have a 3 foot comfort zone.

My personal space has been invaded. I am thinking of putting up a sign or fence or something.

When we help new students to register we have a sheet they must sign off on stating we told them about fees, services, and their responsibilities as students. I asked a student to sign this sheet and he grabbed the pencil that was holding my hair in a twist.

I said “Seriously?” and the student looked at me as if I were the one with a problem and stated he didn’t have a pencil.

Wouldn’t most people consider this an invasion of personal space?

Skeletons

I always say my house is clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy. After what I found this weekend I am either going to have to quit saying that or start doing a little more housework.

When you work full time and attend classes in the evenings, you have to sacrifice something. The something I cut back on is housework. I would much rather laze around with Mister, drinking daiquiris and dreaming about the garden than strip and wax the wood floors. I keep the laundry and dishwasher going and swab out the bathroom once a week. My house gets by on a kiss and a promise.

Between semesters I take a day or two off from work and give the house a good going over. I could not believe what I found this time. A mouse skeleton! Not a mouse, a mouse skeleton. It had been dead so long it was a skeleton.

Our windows do a weird transformers type move so that I can clean the outside of the glass while standing inside the house. When I did that transformer move on the window in the dog-room I found a mouse skeleton in the sill.

I shop-vac’d the skeleton and thought about my saying. Clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy. We are happy here, but now I am not so sure about the healthy part…

Fairly Well

I was sitting at the reception desk today when a guy asked me how I was doing as he walked past. I answered “fairly well” to his back. The guy turned around and came back to ask me why fairly?

I had to think about it for a second, cause I really was only feeling fairly well. Finally I told the guy it was because of my hair.

He said “Your hair?”

“Yea, I’m not happy with my hair.” I replied.

So here I was, explaining to a guy I barely knew, how if I am not happy with my hair I can’t be “fine” or even “well.” The best I can manage when I am not happy with my hair is “fairly well” and that every Tuesday I was fairly well.

When I slowed for breath the guy told me bye and left.

Did They Call Me a Cracker?

The college where I work celebrates Administrative Professional’s Day (administrative assistant day?? secretary day??) by giving us a catered lunch, door prizes, and having a guest speaker.

The college weekly newsletter stated that this year’s speaker had written a book about Crackers. Seriously? Are they calling us crackers? Isn’t that obviously no respect for people that they don’t respect?

I am so NOT a cracker. I spent the past weekend indulging in high culture: I had a few margaritas at the Mexican restaurant (stumbled out), picked up a urinal on the side of the road (another story), camped at the hunting club with Mr and his family (no bath for 2 days), and was back at work Monday morning with a ponytail and orange fingernails. Sounds classy to me.

So really, I wasn’t excited about the speaker for Administrative Professional’s Day.

Then Lauretta Hannon took the floor. She spoke about finding inspiration in our flawed lives, about being down on your luck and thanking God for a chance to work, about the compassion that exists in the grittiest hard-core drunks. She wasn’t calling us crackers, she was showing us her life and how to embrace who you are and carry on with hope and dignity.

I may sound as if I am hawking her books, but really, check Lauretta Hannon out at http://www.thecrackerqueen.com/. Her book is inspirational and funny- two good things to be for Administrative Professional’s Day.

Don't Get Caught With Your Pants On The Ground

The Chamber of Commerce toured our campus this morning; meeting the College President, Vice-President, and a member of the Board of Directors.

Seemed like the perfect opportunity to embarrass myself.

Our campus receptionist is on vacation and I am working her desk in our main lobby. Before the tour arrived I went to the ladies to make sure I looked presentable- no lipstick on my teeth or sweater buttoned crooked.

The tour came into the lobby and surrounded my desk while the Prez gave a speech about all the great things done here. When anyone looked at me I made sure to smile and give the impression that everyone here is packed with brains and wants to share our knowledge with the county. As the crowd in suits was leaving our lobby to tour our campus a number of them shook my hand.

The Prez stayed behind and made small talk with me until the crowd was out of site- then he left as well.

Once I had the lobby to myself again I looked down and saw that my pants were unzipped!!! And I had on bright blue panties with glow-in-the-dark stars!!!

I thought I was behaving so professionally, turns out I was acting like a perv...

A Rose By Any Other Name

Working in a college enrollment center I see a lot of different first names. There seems to be no end to the length people will go when naming their baby. I understand expectant parents want their child to have an unusual or unique name, and when a co-worker comes to the lobby and says “Katie” and three young women stand up I see the point of wanting a name that is a little different. Still, I think parents should think things through when naming a person.

“Different” names fall into various categories. There are people named after television shows or characters from TV. There are geographical names, names based on Christianity, and names that appear to be just random words the parents liked to say.

This week I heard a young man named Rockford, like the James Garner character from the late 70s or early 80s. Another student name I saw that came from a “guy show” was Bonanza. That’s right; Bonanza was on his social security card. And representing for the Addams Family: a young woman named Morticia came through our office this week.

Geographical names are fairly common now: Dallas, Austin, and Savannah. Two I heard recently were uncommon enough that I added them to this list. The first one I heard was Czechoslovakia. I wanted to ask if he goes by “the former republic of…” but figured he had heard that before. He did tell me that everyone calls him Czech. The second unusual geographic name I came across recently was Antarctica. I just saw the paperwork so I couldn’t ask if she goes by Ant.

We are used to hearing names based on Christianity. Everyone seems to know a child named Trinity (religion or Matrix?) and Divinity isn’t unusual either (religion or candy?). This week I saw the name Demon. Apparently his parents were going in the opposite direction from the parents of Grace.

Last on the list are random words that parents use as names: Serenity, Truelove, and Jealousy. I understand naming a baby after peaceful feelings and higher aims; what I don’t understand is naming a baby Jealousy. Seriously, the green eyed monster?

Anyway, a name is a name. Claim your own name and think hard before naming someone else.

I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!

I never fully close the shower curtain while showering. Not that I am concerned about Norman from Psycho or anything, but still, I like to be able to see out while showering. This open curtain habit leads to lots of water in the bathroom floor. My husband fusses about the water in the floor, but I say the dogs like to drink it and I wipe it up with the towel before I leave the room- no problem.

Today the water in the floor is a problem.

After getting out of the shower I am standing on the water filled floor putting lotion on my feet- when somehow- I fall flat on my back! Truly, I don’t know how it happened! And it hurts like crazy.

I crawl into the bedroom and lay on the floor trying not to cry. Seriously- I can’t believe I fell in the bathroom. What’s next? Losing my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot? Peeing my pants when I laugh?

After a few minutes I get up, get dressed, and call my husband to tell him he may be right about the water in the floor. For some reason he thinks it is hilarious and keeps saying “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” and recommending I get Life-Alert! Very funny, ha-ha.

I am going to Wal-mart to get a bath-mat. And maybe a flower to tape to the car antennae…

Rich in Quarters

I brought a roll of quarters to work to keep in my desk to use in the vending machines. This abundance of quarters makes me feel unbelievably wealthy. I just came from the student lounge, where I stood in front of the vending machines for probably 10 minutes trying to make a decision. Rich in quarters, the possibilities are endless: diet coke and m&ms….mr. pibb and Doritos…

TMI

I enjoy talking with people and usually learn interesting things from unexpected sources. But sometimes I seem to get caught in odd conversations. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up.

Student: I need to see financial aid.

Me: Weren't you just here yesterday?

Student: Yea, but I was struck with explosive diarhea.

Some things you just don't need to know.

What was overheard?

The neighborhood where we spend our weekends is a quite dirt-road neighborhood on the water, where the river meets the lake. The lots are wooded and were sold in 3 to 10 acre tracts, giving the illusion of privacy and seclusion. The key word in the previous sentence is illusion. Anyone who has ever spent time near water knows sound travels.

Mister and I were working on separate projects while carrying on the kind of conversation that you have when you spend a lot of time together. Not real conversation that anyone could follow, more like random movie quotes with a remember when every now and then, and carried on really loud because I was inside pulling out carpet and he was outside leveling the ground for a barn.

About five o’clock we quit for a beer and were sitting outside at the table enjoying the afternoon when we clearly heard a conversation about what to eat for supper. We started trying to figure out where the sound was coming from by the names the speakers were using. The sound was coming from a LONG LONG way off! We looked at one another and started laughing trying to remember what we had been saying that everyone could hear. Had we discussed any corporate takeovers, blown anyone’s alibi, or dissed someone we know?

Our biggest high volume conversation of the day was on my choice of tool for ripping out carpet. Somewhere across the water there was probably an old guy sitting on his porch saying to himself “You know she really should be using a boxcutter. You can cut anything with a boxcutter.”

Hand-Shakers

I have a dislike to handshaking. It isn’t that I am anti-social. I love to meet new people. I just don’t like to shake hands. I am not sure where the other person had their hand moments ago. Once a guy was picking biscuit out of his teeth with his finger and then stuck his hand out for me to shake.

I favor the “nod” as a greeting. The nod is user friendly and cootie free.

In my attempts to bring the nod forward as the acceptable greeting when being introduced I have met many setbacks. People who are confirmed hand-shakers get pissy if you don’t want to shake their hand. Sometimes the other person will go beyond holding their hand out to shake and will reach for my hand. To block that attempt I have tried holding onto a notebook so that I can give the impression that I would like to shake hands, I am just unable to because of this notebook I am holding.

Another approach I use to avoiding shaking hands is to hold my hands in front of me in an “I am unarmed and mean you no harm” stance and announce that I may have a cold coming on. I would think that with all of this swine flu in the news an announcement of possible illness would slow down the hand-shakers, but it doesn’t seem to faze them. While grabbing my upheld hand a guy told me that he had just gotten over a cold so he should be safe.

I think I have found a sure-fire way to avoid shaking hands. I have numerous Band-Aids on my right hand. There is nothing seriously wrong with my hand. I was building a retaining wall this past weekend and scraped my hand between two rocks. Our college is holding open registration this week and I knew I would be in for a full day of hand-shaking so I covered the abrasions with Band-Aids to keep other people’s germs out of my scrapes. Imagine my surprise when no one shook my hand!

That is right. Not one single attempt to shake my hand. Take note all you other anti hand-shakers. From now on a Band-Aid is my accessory of choice. Band-Aid stock should go through the roof.

Happy Valentine's Day

Today was a great Valentine's Day. We slept late, had coffee while watching CBS's "Sunday Morning," and ragged on how mushy and commercial love songs are. Before Mister left to take our dog Boo to the woods for a run he gave me the BEST gift...handheld Yahtzee! I know I already own the Yahtzee deluxe edition and the Yatzee travel edition but a nerdy girl can't live without Yahtzee handheld edition.

Of the top 10 things about a husband, recognizing the nerd behind the lipgloss ranks as number 1. The list follows as:

10 Best Traits in a Husband

10) Nice to my family
9) Nice to my friends
8) Doesn't call me out for being fake around the college vice president
7) Let me name his dog "Boo"
6) let's my chihuahua sleep under the covers
5) LOVES my cooking
4) Compares all romantic comedies to "Jane Eyre"
3) Kows where every Dairy Queen in the southeast is located
2) Can build things (like back porches and bird feeders)
1) Recognizes the real me and loves me for it

Happy Valentine's Day!

icy roads

This is the second big snow this year. Usually we go years without snow, so to get a second one in one winter is pretty amazing. As everyone knows, I LOVE SNOW!! Having said that I was amazed today at how fast I became used to the view from the kitchen. I walked into the room and thought: "Pretty, looks like last time." I stopped cold (pun intended) with the fridge open and couldn't believe that it only took twice for snow to become blase.

No segue, I have the television on watching the news and it was just announced that a Deputy Sheriff died in a car accident tonight. Dave was responding to a call when dispatch lost touch with him. His car was found upside down in a creek. Dave works security on our campus, always professional and friendly. His wife brings lunch in to share with him. I can't imagine how she is feeling and my heart goes out to her.

Mister is still at work, am going to text him now.

Morning Rush

The alarm clock didn't go off this morning. I woke up, in a panic, at 6:20AM. Jumping out of bed I ran into the bathroom and started brushing my teeth. I couldn't believe I slept through the alarm. My stomach has the weird feeling that only happens when you oversleep. While standing in my closet deciding what to wear I realize...it is my DAY OFF!

As I get back into bed my husband is laughing and says "I wondered how long it would take you to remember you don't work today." I just put my cold feet on him and went back to sleep.

New Year Resolution

My New Year resolution for this year was to stop speaking in absolutes. I made it about 18 days (I got a late start). I was doing okay with it, maybe a few "nevers" thrown in, but I was handling it. Then today I had technical difficulties. The third time I was on the phone with IT my sentences were starting with "This ALWAYS..." and "This NEVER..."

So should I start over. Is it still a good resolution if you totally go off the wagon in person, in voicemail, and in email?

New Shoes

I could get new shoes for every special occasion. A cliché, I know, but there is something about new shoes that puts a spring in my step. My husband took me new shoe shopping for my birthday last week. He also took me to see the Da Vinci exhibit at the High, but new shoes outrank the exhibit. Shallow, but that is who I am.

I have worn my new shoes three times in the past week. I am planning my wardrobe around them. The shoes are black Mary Jane pumps and I am dressing in skirts and cardigans. This has made me wonder, do shoes make you who you are? Are there dictator shoes? If Hitler had worn Birkenstocks would he still have wanted to take over the world?

Snowed In!

Snow in Georgia! We wait years for this much snow. Wednesday we started checking weather.com to see when the snow would arrive. Thursday we didn't get much work done because we were running to the hallway window to see if it had started to snow. All day sending texts and emails to everyone to check the weather.

Friday morning my husband woke me up saying "Your snow is here, go look out the window". Beautiful.